Monday, November 1, 2010

wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts.

as a disclaimer; every love i've ever experienced has been worth every moment that i had to spend losing it. every cheesy romantic experience i've been fortunate to live through, hurts when reflecting upon. but without them i would feel more empty than i already do.

the funny talk we had while raindrops hit our cheeks, watching you smile in the movie theatre chair next to me, smelling peppermint and snowflakes on Christmas Eve with your family, sitting on the cold summer grass seeing shooting stars whip past, the excitement of seeing a new message in my inbox and knowing it was from you, dinner with two close friends, shivering underneath a blanket during a scary spring storm and you telling me that nothing bad would happen there, the warmth that's still on my skin from the southern summer sun as i'd drive into town to see you, watching the fan spin, late night walks around the neighborhood, driving as far as we could to get 30 teenage minutes to ourselves, and of course ending my senior year of high school with my first- young- love.

the subject of my admiration is all of them. "them" being experiences and the people that will forever reside inside of them. they only happened because i let them, and because i was willing.

i have been playing the part of a pessimist lately. and no wonder it's cloth has felt so itchy and irritable to my skin. it's fibers are binding, and i can no longer breathe. it isn't me. and the bitterness has taken over. that spacious hole is there because i let it create itself. you must give something permission to change you. and if you resist, it just digs at you until you're hollowed out.

i know what i want. i've always wanted the same thing. the only thing is that at some point i gave up, and i let the world's lies dig deep into me. i compromised things that i should've held fast to. i settled with my own unrecognizable behavior, and i laid every hope and daydream quietly in my hand and let the wind take them wherever it desired.

and i deserve the entirety. i will not settle for half, i will not settle for uncertainty, i will not settle for one foot in and one foot out. i won't stop believing and i will find someone that can twirl me just the right way.

and i want to give nothing less.

hearts are infinitely fragile. we know this- that's nothing new. but we all desire the most careful of hands to cradle the misunderstood and most hopeful bit of us. we have to be born with most of it, and maybe the rest is learned. but regardless, love is about protection to the best of one's ability- and an assortment of thousands of other lovely things.

cynicism will poison every ounce of your blood if you allow it. life can take you fantastic places if you allow it. if you allow yourself to settle, then you will. if you willingly believe, if you willingly give, and if you willingly hope- then the aspirations that are held deep in the small lump that gives you a steady rhythm, will hold fast to your life. what you desire will have no way of dodging you and your forgiving lips.

i used to love change. for a lot of different reasons, but mostly because it meant that something significant and different was on its way. i saw everything as preparing me for the next breathtaking chunk of something i was going to witness. this is before i fell into hiding, before i convinced myself that love was something tricky, something hurtful, something that will always betray you. but something inside of me tonight reminded me of what made me want to keep the search party out until the wee hours.

it's easy to feel a huge array of emotions without understanding where they originate from. but somehow, we all know our own limits. and once we've hit them, there's no reverse.

there is a type of love that brands you from the inside out. there's a kind of love that keeps you driving long distances late into the night. the kind that bridges gaps within yourself, that makes you want to literally run as far and as fast as you can to feel that feeling just one more time. there's a kind perfection that has more flaws than you'd originally hoped, and inside of it all the world sits perfectly on its axis.

raindrops will stall, plans will be altered for the better good, feet will be set in motion, palms will feel as though they're on fire, running will feel too slow, dust will not settle, static will cease, and desperation will be beautiful.

and just like that, hope is always restored.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

goodnight, dear void.

i feel remarkably 13 again. there’s this backwards motion that seems to be taking place, and i can't find anything to grip. but i suppose that’s how most things happen, when we’re in the other room. or other side of the street. or other side of the bed. or other side of the movie screen.

there was something once familiar, something hopeful, and some sort of genuine light that seems to have vaporized. the truth is, i don’t know if any of this is worth any of the that anymore. i know years ago i would’ve told myself differently, even just a few months ago- but the farthest completion of thought that i can reach out to is either five and a half hours away, or 2,000 miles in the past. the not so very distant past.

and i love thoughts! i love filling out forms, and scheduling things. i love having ideas and writing thoughts down. it feels like each word begins, and are finished before their completion. i know it doesn’t make any sense, but my eyebrows are tired from the frowning and my stomach is sick of the upside down turns it reluctantly takes whenever i see the newest of things that feel like the oldest of terrors.

there are horror films, and masks, and bloody make-up. there’s things that jump out at you, and ghosts in movies. there are loud noises and creepy whispers. there are thriller novels, eerie moonless skies, and of course- things that go bump in the night. things that stare at you from all angles. but fear, is suddenly not so terrifying anymore. and there is so much work begging to be done.

not meaning to go all Taylor Swift on you, my invisible audience or the lack there of, but it all leads up to the word; heartbroken. something i relied on, disappeared. something has restored an amount of vulnerability, and now i feel incredibly exposed. maybe i was looking the other way, or maybe i lost myself inside of something that was never really there to begin with- but something is now different.

i used to see the stars held captive in the blue, and i used to hold hands still that wanted to shake. there’s no allure in the dark taste or the smell i used to crave. i stretched out, and found it had all packed up, and left.

but the unvocalized bits slithered through my fingers, and blamed themselves in ink. folded fibers devoured the words that i never knew i had to say. probably discarded, and most likely piled up with all the rest. but regardless, they’ve left me now- and the hole feels a little less spacious.

i have discovered: i long for that contentment. i desire that sunrise that only i and one other can see. i crave that displacement that brought me right back to where i should’ve been. i hunger for the still trees and their shifting leaves. i want the frosty windows that only i and one other see out of. i thirst for partnership and the idea of continually being on the same page. the same book even! i wish for the weightlessness of falling sideways, and i am pleading for an act of stillness. i know i’ll find it. there would be no such desire if there were not a resolution.

or gosh, just a little time. just a little time before all waters are disrupted. just a little time before every bit of the clarity once achieved is certainly forgotten. just a little moment, or two.

but this use of words is what brings me back to the beginning. grass, trees, stars, sand, waves, moon, gravel, porchlight, fleece, rough fiber, feather necklace, empty beer bottle, and a-sigh-of-relief. enamoured with the world above, and the world beside me. and i can’t find an antonym strong enough. and if i could, i’d use it to jab and sever that painful verb from my existence. the one that led to phrases, stories, and aspirations.

and i can’t be brought back anymore. not when there’s no one, and not one thing to meet me there. the objects, the things embedded in the ground and the sky are lost. i have learned this lesson in years passed, and a mere few weeks ago- and still, i can’t quite compete. magnetic, fascinating, attracting, intriguing and mesmerizing.

i want to tell myself it’s only because it’s a late hour, and that morning always brings a different type of exhalation. but i know better.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

even if there were an option.

we often do things to make ourselves miserable.

we eat until we become sick. we watch movies that will make us feel a certain sickeningly lonely way. we look at pictures of things we cant have, places we can't see, and people we will never know again. we forget sunscreen. we drink til we puke. we spend money we'll never have. we lunge head first into a pair of arms, unfamiliar or familiar, as if we're diving into oncoming traffic.

the jump, the dive, the lunge- is all the happiness and euphoria there is to find in something like that. we are obsessed with the fall. when, and if, we land; we run. or we are run from.

i used to think i wasn't a negative person. and maybe at one time, i wasn't. i think at one time i knew the importance in the jump, and the rest came as it came. i remember when i woke up on that couch, and sat up. you know how when you fall asleep somewhere unfamiliar, and you wake up terrified? i woke up startled, and unnerved. there was a huge, wide window with a world's view to the illuminated blue sky and it's puffy white clouds held tightly captive within their own will. i tried to see everything from the perspective in that one moment, but all i could do was fear. and that's not me at all. i've taught myself to fear, and i've woken up startled.

i guess there's only so much hiding you can do. only so many covers to protect you from what's no longer there, and the space that now exists between how your skin felt there and how it no longer feels at all. i can't stop the relentless picture show that continues to run behind my eyelids. friends help. family helps. movies help. books, coffee, wind and rain, cold mornings, clouds with stars, glasses of wine, new shirts, an orange kitty, running, blocking it out, letting it consume you, letting things drift from organization, the music, writing- it all helps. but what im beginning to realize, is that something through me or just myself facing the mass of it, must cure it.

so without the running, and the hiding, and the false hope- im standing in front of the disaster site with eyes wide open. facing it with a clear head and cold air beside me is the only way to truly see what has unfolded while i've been away. or before i woke up startled. no damage has been done by other people, and i can literally feel that for the first time. the damage is within myself, done by myself, and must be healed by myself. well, myself and the one person or "thing" who has always proven to somehow care in these days ive known.

sometimes it takes something like this. something like this, that can make you see yourself with a pure honesty that is the purification you needed to do on your own. and the term 'on your own' comes with every sting of loneliness you can imagine. but that's okay. the loneliness can teach great things, and can wake up bits of you that have lost their pulse in the fight.

and, i'm terrified. a new city, the newest me to add to the collection, and an insane amount of fear. im absolutely petrified of this new life that's about to begin in less than a month with or without me- and i have only once choice, but to be completely and totally there. in every second.

so these things that we take pleasure in, the things that burn us and overwhelm us- these things that make us miserable- will never fade, and never cease until fully dealt with. until full faced. until fully confronted and fully recognized as full of power but not more powerful than the power that lies within you. within me!

and to let yourself be known by someone else, and to take a chance to truly know someone else- is always a risk.

what's funny about it all, is that this summer has been insanely amazing. at times it has hurt so terribly bad, but so much of my fall has been caught by a new group of friends who seem to mean more than i allow anyone to. my dear, amazing Pelly family have made me so wonderfully happy- and certainly in times of need. i am so fortunate to have had this summer back at home. and while other bits of my life- bits that my heart cherishes more than i could ever write and admit- have fallen apart, i have had something to count on in those friendships.

anyways. in short, lesson learned. you can let yourself fall apart within yourself and you can hide. these things take minimal effort. and while the strength inside my mind, my heart, and even my fingertips is fading and almost non-existent, i am choosing to face what's gone wrong within me, and what can be salvaged from my months, and possibly years, of neglect. and oh my, it still hurts. the silence is almost more than i can begin to understand, and the inability to reach out to anything is almost suffocating.

i'll never go as far to say that i'll never take a chance with that bit in the center of my chest again, but i absolutely must let people love me. i must not stop loving. i must accept words that are kind, and accept those that feel most unkind. i must accept everything! everything with gratitude, and i must let this remainder of this summer overwhelm me as it already has, and i must face the fear that comes with this new city, this new school, these new people, and all things unfamiliar.

and, so it is.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

star mile.

star mile, joshua radin.

Old doubt and a girl by your side she's feeding your pride
As you go for a ride
Down the star mile
World's rise as she lets you come in
A duo begins to the hollywood din
Of the lonely

And all the gold dust in her eyes
Won't reform into a ring
You had and lost the one thing
You kept in a safe place
Remember the face
The girl who had made you her own
And how you left her alone

All's well at the base of the hill
You might need to fill
A prescription to kill
Off the sirens
Look down from your tower on high
And take in the night
Look her right in the eye
She'll listen

And all the gold dust in her eyes
Won't reform into a ring
You had and lost the one thing
You kept in a safe place
Remember the face
The girl who had made you her own
And how you left her alone

Life comes to those that'll choose
The regular news
Over playing the blues with the light on

And if you burn the road that'll lead you
Back to her in time
I'll watch you turn to stone
Can't find the sublime
She's moving on without you
The tide breaks
You watch the stars fake
They gather you back to their homes
I guess it's better than being alone

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


or better yet, life after college.

i'm completely and willingly wedged in a very strange place.

i am twenty-three. i am spending the summer in my hometown, (hopefully) saving up money, reading whatever books that i want, spending as much time as possible chasing my nephew around his kitchen and laughing at him while he dances, eating short lunches and dinners with my boyfriend who has a completely opposite (and hectic) schedule as me, riding my bike, serving people popcorn, and watching movies for free after hours. taking naps with my orange kitty and teaching him that the car is not a scary place.

my friends have jobs. my friends are engaged. my friends are married. my friends have children. my friends are still in high school. my friends gossip. my friends are new. my friends are old.

i wake up, and have breakfast with my mom. i spend every night wishing that i was out on some adventure, but it feels as though the adventures have gone cold. the weather has maxed out at 80 degrees so far, and i got a sunburn one friday.

i am making mistake, after mistake. i'm trying to learn some sort of lesson that falls from the pieces that are left. the mud has dried up. the deer have now gone. i don't pick the grass to smell as i drive past. that floor no longer needs me, and the fan above regretfully spins the same. i'm beginning to hate the light that reflects from porch lights, and i have not yet visited that pavement.

but, there is a fine peace in the blue of those eyes. an infuriating happiness in the belly laughs that come from almost nothing out of the ordinary. the thrilling beginning of the way things could possibly end.

there are nights, and summer doesn't feel like it should. well, at least it doesn't feel like it used to. and lately, i can't help but want everything to feel the way that it once did. i can't seem to appreciate the moment- there doesn't seem to be a moment to appreciate.

there has been a ridiculously pretty sunset, and a sunrise that i seriously needed. i could sit there, and watch the small town lights blink and gleam all by my lonesome or with someone i trust. late night words scrambled with emotion seem to alleviate the pressure, and ignite something that will
never be understood.

there is ice cream, and orange cream soda. windows rolled down and the lake tapping our feet. frozen yogurt covered in gummy bears and marshmellows, lunches on picnic tables, and fruity energy drinks. giant sunglasses, sundresses, and purple nail polish. there is beer, there is wine, and there is whisky. there are short lived fevers, and blinks that affect the heartbeat. stares that burn past clarity and somehow, there is a clock that is documenting, ticking, and capturing all the things our silly little minds tend to leave behind.

now that i think about it, and now that i'm writing it out- maybe these days are resembling some kind of summer. not a summer i've known before, or a summer i expected. but, a summer. my mistake is always predicting the summer months, and being let down in the easiest of ways. and honestly, what else could i want, besides a summer that is unlike any i've known previously.

and certainly, forever young.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Day #9: Food & Drink of Saddlebrook

Day #9: Food & Drink of Saddlebrook

on those rare occasions where we didn't go out to eat, we cooked. we aren't the biggest fans of cooking, so we had a few regulars that we clung close to:

1st meal ever in the house: tacos!

on one of those days when class needed to be skipped...waffles and eggs!

keely's legendary syrup:

glasses are some sort of luxury we don't need.



which led to:

the ol' ensure days.
and the other items in our food pyramid:

and of course the burnt chicken i always cooked. still haven't mastered that one.

"Great eaters, and great sleepers are incapable of anything else that is great."
Henry IV of France.
well, that's a little true about us at least.

Day #8: Saddlebrook

hello there. i'm Abe. i'll be guiding you along this tour of the Saddlebrook house. i've watched over this house for the past three years, and put up with more shenanigans than i signed up for. without me, this house would be nothing. i've given up on the tenants of this household more times than i can count, but since i was born without legs- here i remain. so, i welcome you to:

Day #8: The Saddlebrook House

to begin, this has been my view day in and day out for the entirety of my stay. disgusting.

here's a shot of the place back in the beginning. Back when my only friend, the unnamed Owl, was still around.

an aerial view of the countertop. again, despicable.


and here they are.

fridge decorations.

got in trouble a few times for this one.

always with the cupcakes.

one too many tacos.

holly, during one of his many daily talks with keely.

and a few others i'm not sure what to do with.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Day # 7: The Quote Blog and Other Alton Adventures

to introduce it all:

Day #7: The Quote Blog, and other Alton Adventures
first of all, Alton.
a few things i'll always remember about this town:

standing, talking at the gas station.
the first tour of the town i got from Keely.
going to the river a few times.
pizza from the gas station.
ice cream from burger palace.
driving around, daring to find a ghost.
eating at stateline in the wee hours.
visiting this town always makes me happy.
and, ah, the quote blog. keely & her friends (im not sure exactly who!) came up with the idea.

when i moved to missouri, i was largely welcomed by a group of people i'd never met. the first time i met the majority of these people was on the way to a basketball game in January of 07 when i moved here. we rode around in the land rover and i literally could not believe how hard these people were making me laugh. this group of friends from Alton had something within each other that was overwhelmingly hilarious. most of them grew up together, and always made me feel at home. they started a blog with all their amazing quotes from small adventures like that night, and i followed suit. some of these are from those friends in Alton, and some are from other people that i thought were quote-worthy.
even though these days have passed, and i may never laugh quite like that again with quite a group of friends like them- i will always occasionally look at the blog, and be so very glad that i was there.

the original blog can be found on my old myspace page:
here are my favorite quotes:
Nick (me and keely wanted to stay home and watch Nacho Libre while the boys went to get us Krispy Kreme): Why can't we all just go as a family?
Jessica (talking about her boyfriend): Yeah, he really really likes cars.
Chris: Well, he's straight. So we can forgive.
Lyndon: Legend has it, that on SnowNight, the Snow Ghost comes out to eat children and shit out hearts.
Steven: I couldn't keep a straight face. And it's obvious that she couldn't. I say that because her face is crooked.
Jeremy: I think Japanease people are magical.
Brenna: I wish women didn't have rights so we didn't have to go to College.
Keely: You stole my heart.
: Yeah, and then I pawned it.
Steven: (talking about me finding a murderer in my house) What if he was in a non-murderous position?

Keely: Our plunger is like, 'Hi! We have a plugged toilet.'
Kacie: (talking about the dogs coughing in the other room) Who's harking up the herald angels in there?
Keely: I feel awkward the majority of my life.
Brittany: (There was about six people in the drive-thru at McDonald's) Ah, shit.
Jeremy: That's okay. Now we just have more family time together.

Jeremy: I had to babysit two 6-year olds one time. I had to breast feed one of them.
Ann: You know, ever since I made out with a 25-year old, a lot of doors have opened up for me.
Lyndon: (Keely and I made him watch Crossroads) What does this movie teach you? How to be a slut on the road?
Keely: Holly's a republican.
Me: What? Since when?
Keely: Eh, I just think he's trying to get on my nerves.

Day #6: "8" Perfume, and Summer 2007

oh, how i wish blogs had a 'scratch and sniff' function.
one small inhale of this perfume, and every thought is devored by the hot, humid days and nights that would "set" sticky on my skin- of that summer.
Day #6: "8" Perfume, and Summer 2007

yeah right, as if this will be an easy blog to write.
most days of that summer were hot and cloudless. most days i spent searching for a constant. the air was like walking through a thick, humid cloud. i knew everything as steel that bent in a breeze.

the best way to describe all this? put it in subsections, of course.

Grapevine: for those summer months, i spent a large majority of late mornings and early afternoons in a little deli/italian restaurant in west plains. i spilled a pie or two, and even caused one group of customers to leave without paying. i remember the night i met up with new friends from Alton to watch a movie after getting off work. i remember when keely & her cousin brittany asked me to go to the railroad tracks with them after work. i ate salad, after salad in between my breaks while reading cosmo. i drove to and from work with all the windows down, thanks to my lack of a/c. my hair was blonde, my skin was tan. i stuffed cash tips into my apron everytime i cleared a table. i sat in the freezer, on boxes of wine, when it was slow to escape from the heat. i nervously checked out the back door and felt the sweltering heat cake to my skin moments after stepping outside. i danced with a boy during a wedding reception that i was catering, and he walked me to my car. i learned how to make coffee, and sweet tea.

Float Trip: i went with keely and some of her friends on a float trip in Van Buren. i was terrified. but i wore a bikini for the first time, in a long time, and floated on down the river with new friends. we took breaks on the rocky shore. i got hit by a canoe. it started to storm and so i escaped out of the river as soon as possible.

Six Flags: we took a trip to Six Flags in st. louie. i think we rode the big drop thing, (the Superman?), about eight times. we rode a ride that literally made you feel drunk afterwards. more rides, more rides. keely won a wonderwoman cape.
Thee House: i guess i never had an official nickname for the house that i stayed in that summer, aside from "Keely's house" any case, it was wonderful. it had the most amazing views for the sunrise. there was Corky, Ginger, Jake, Tyson, and the ducks. the gravel road, the white fence, the red carpet, black carpet and the red couches, the staircase, the laundry room where i first saw Hollser (kitty), and of course the brick back porch. for three months, this was my home. Keely's mom told me "God puts the lonely in families." :)

Oregon/Howell County Roads: i love these roads. i've driven around different parts of missouri, coming and going- but these roads, are very different roads. after you leave West Plains and head towards Alton on 160, the world looks different. green fields, rolling hills, great full trees, gravel roads to the left and right, and my heart would beat violently once i passed the Alton city limits sign. i drove these roads after the sun rose in the morning, in the afternoon once the shade was starting to cover, in the evening and everything in my car smelled like coconut, and in the wee small hours of the morning when my mind was abundant with uncertainties and small bits of euphoria. i left these roads the same way that i came in August. of course, there's more to tell. so! for that, i thought it'd be interest to revert back to an older blog, one that i posted at the end of that summer. perhaps it can tell this story better than i could every hope to tell it now:

"Summer's End, August 10, 2007:
its always been a dream of mine to be apart of something wonderful. a lot of little wonderfuls. knowing how you got where you are, only helps in getting you farther in the right direction.

i became greatgood friends with keely. staying with her, spe
nding time with her & her family- it was all great. but never will i forget that day after church in may, when her mom said, "we've talked about this, & we want you to live with us this summer." she said that she believed God meant me to live here this summer.

oh, the excitement! you have no idea! i was absolutely thrilled!
and, i haven't always been apart of this "alton group". i didnt go to the high school with everybody else, & didnt play sports with everyone.

but it always felt so much like "a" home. a home that was different from where i had grown up. not better, just different.

to me;

this summer was unbelievable. i had the freedom to question things. i had the freedom to become who i feel i really am. i was so BLESSED to have met keely & her family, & then let me live here with them.

i ate at el charro at least once or twice a week.
i was a waitress.
i actually saved some money.
i rode terrifying roller coasters with the best of friends.
i floated down the river on a damn intertube & got hit by a canoe.
i went on a hike with two of my best guy friends.
i drove home everynight contemplating everything.
i saw the sun rise through my rearview window countless times.
i had the most amazing fourth of july.
i ate sunflower seeds & drank sprite with friends at wallace & owens until the very wee wee hours.
i spent hours & hours & hours & HOURS watching mtv with keely. :]
i went running for at least a week straight.
i sat on the floor & ate pizza while channel surfing.
i played tennis, sort of.
i spent many sunday afternoons with people that fill my heart.
i went to the races.
i rented "snl; the best of christopher walken" & didnt return it for two months.
i got really really really stomach sick one day.
i got a tan! & then lost it.
i spent countless, unforgettable hours laying on my stomach drinking sweet tea & laughing so hard my stomach hurt the next day.
i went on a walk around alton, at night, with friends.
i smoked quite a few cigarettes.
i ate a truck stop countless times.
i had a wonderful trip home.
i stayed up til four a.m. with my roommate & best friend, talking about...well...absolutely nothing
i passed college algebra!
i got so homesick some nights i couldn't breathe
i walked around wal mart with my best friends for hours, looking. at kids toys, while lyndon & steven were consumed with the candy isle.
i had bad dreams, but always someone to talk about them with.
i spent a lovely hot afternoon swimming at chelsey & shellie's house, then ate ice cream at burger palace.i i took many-a-drives to alton on summer evenings.
i laid on the grass with chelsea & watched the alton fireworks & listened to them boom in my ears.

most importantly; i learned that if i hadn't opened up my heart a year ago & took a chance, i would've had none of this. & i want this.

loved this summer.

im going to miss alton, & living here with keely's family so much. ill miss all of you that are staying here. i really have had a blast this summer, no matter if it wasnt what everyone had expected. to me, it was flawless.

& thank you. everyone here has been great to me, so amazingly welcoming- i always felt as if id lived here forever. never really awkward or out of place. you all always did your best to know that i was invited everywhere & were so kind to me!

i dont know if ill be here forever, but when im old & certainly gray, wherever i may be, i will look back on this summer, this place, you people, & will remember feeling incredibly loved & alive. thank you.
but now, its going to be wonderful & fun to move on, & be someplace new." there you have it. well, sort of. there are many nights untold, and many thoughts still drifting around those gravel roads. in any case, it really was one of the best summers of my life.

and the sepia-colored picture show of those days and nights that will always replay over, and over again in my mind on the rainiest of days will always, always bring me momentary happiness.

as for that small little town, and that small little countryside- i am so happy that it let me be apart of its life for a little while
and i kind of miss being blonde.