Saturday, August 28, 2010

even if there were an option.

we often do things to make ourselves miserable.

we eat until we become sick. we watch movies that will make us feel a certain sickeningly lonely way. we look at pictures of things we cant have, places we can't see, and people we will never know again. we forget sunscreen. we drink til we puke. we spend money we'll never have. we lunge head first into a pair of arms, unfamiliar or familiar, as if we're diving into oncoming traffic.

the jump, the dive, the lunge- is all the happiness and euphoria there is to find in something like that. we are obsessed with the fall. when, and if, we land; we run. or we are run from.

i used to think i wasn't a negative person. and maybe at one time, i wasn't. i think at one time i knew the importance in the jump, and the rest came as it came. i remember when i woke up on that couch, and sat up. you know how when you fall asleep somewhere unfamiliar, and you wake up terrified? i woke up startled, and unnerved. there was a huge, wide window with a world's view to the illuminated blue sky and it's puffy white clouds held tightly captive within their own will. i tried to see everything from the perspective in that one moment, but all i could do was fear. and that's not me at all. i've taught myself to fear, and i've woken up startled.

i guess there's only so much hiding you can do. only so many covers to protect you from what's no longer there, and the space that now exists between how your skin felt there and how it no longer feels at all. i can't stop the relentless picture show that continues to run behind my eyelids. friends help. family helps. movies help. books, coffee, wind and rain, cold mornings, clouds with stars, glasses of wine, new shirts, an orange kitty, running, blocking it out, letting it consume you, letting things drift from organization, the music, writing- it all helps. but what im beginning to realize, is that something through me or just myself facing the mass of it, must cure it.

so without the running, and the hiding, and the false hope- im standing in front of the disaster site with eyes wide open. facing it with a clear head and cold air beside me is the only way to truly see what has unfolded while i've been away. or before i woke up startled. no damage has been done by other people, and i can literally feel that for the first time. the damage is within myself, done by myself, and must be healed by myself. well, myself and the one person or "thing" who has always proven to somehow care in these days ive known.

sometimes it takes something like this. something like this, that can make you see yourself with a pure honesty that is the purification you needed to do on your own. and the term 'on your own' comes with every sting of loneliness you can imagine. but that's okay. the loneliness can teach great things, and can wake up bits of you that have lost their pulse in the fight.

and, i'm terrified. a new city, the newest me to add to the collection, and an insane amount of fear. im absolutely petrified of this new life that's about to begin in less than a month with or without me- and i have only once choice, but to be completely and totally there. in every second.

so these things that we take pleasure in, the things that burn us and overwhelm us- these things that make us miserable- will never fade, and never cease until fully dealt with. until full faced. until fully confronted and fully recognized as full of power but not more powerful than the power that lies within you. within me!

and to let yourself be known by someone else, and to take a chance to truly know someone else- is always a risk.

what's funny about it all, is that this summer has been insanely amazing. at times it has hurt so terribly bad, but so much of my fall has been caught by a new group of friends who seem to mean more than i allow anyone to. my dear, amazing Pelly family have made me so wonderfully happy- and certainly in times of need. i am so fortunate to have had this summer back at home. and while other bits of my life- bits that my heart cherishes more than i could ever write and admit- have fallen apart, i have had something to count on in those friendships.

anyways. in short, lesson learned. you can let yourself fall apart within yourself and you can hide. these things take minimal effort. and while the strength inside my mind, my heart, and even my fingertips is fading and almost non-existent, i am choosing to face what's gone wrong within me, and what can be salvaged from my months, and possibly years, of neglect. and oh my, it still hurts. the silence is almost more than i can begin to understand, and the inability to reach out to anything is almost suffocating.

i'll never go as far to say that i'll never take a chance with that bit in the center of my chest again, but i absolutely must let people love me. i must not stop loving. i must accept words that are kind, and accept those that feel most unkind. i must accept everything! everything with gratitude, and i must let this remainder of this summer overwhelm me as it already has, and i must face the fear that comes with this new city, this new school, these new people, and all things unfamiliar.

and, so it is.

No comments: