Sunday, April 15, 2012

so maybe i should try this again.

perhaps i should blog again!
it seems that whenever i am in the habit of "blogging" things are much more well-documented and organized. however, life is rarely that simple, eh?

well, let's see. two things have happened in my life that are worthy of noting:
-i did not get into grad school. yet again. ugh.
-i met someone pretty wonderful. he brings a lot of peace and comfort to my life!

other than that, things are as they are. james is growing up so quickly! he is a little loveable almost-three-year-old. he still calls me "auntieeeee" and has the same fascination with trucks as he did when he was practically a newborn. love that kid!

ugh, this blog is starting to sound like a family newsletter or something awful like that. let me see if i can really pry open the corners of the ol' ticker a little bit:

there's been a lot of times this year when i have felt as though the rug was ripped out from under me. and- as to be expected- it takes me by surprise but at the same time i've felt pretty calm throughout each day.

that's something else! life has been pretty peaceful. not like everything has been perfect and without stress, but i suppose i am no longer allowing the stress in my life to create a hold on me. i honestly feel fairly undeserving of what has been given to me lately. i feel like i held my hands together, palms held open- and God gave me these small beautiful gifts that are just growing, growing, and growing to the point where i have no idea how to cultivate or take care of them. i love "them" so much, though. i think God knows that. i am so thankful. i am not always careful, but i am putting forth so much effort, and so much heart. and that's something that is "new" for me- well, new for the colder-hearted-me. as one once put it.

honestly! that's what it is. i don't feel as though i deserve this much greatness.

my mom beat breast cancer. in like two months! she's amazing. so strong, so positive, so inspiring. before her major surgery, it was really a terrifying period. i took deep hugs from anyone and almost cried at the thought of any of it. my life has never been shaken up in that way. i have always seen my life as this ongoing adventure, and the people in it as characters that never perish. but the thought of some sort of awful, horrifying sickness devouring someone i love the most in the world- it did more than shake me up, it made me reconsider the way i look at life and the way that i chose to love people. because it is a choice, isn't it? absolutely.

but! she beat it. which is just another example of God's grace in our lives. even if she hadn't beat it, my faith in God would be none the less powerful. He really does do things on His time, and He knows exactly what's up.

i feel like i'm racing through this. sorry! i wish i could slow down.

being rejected (once again) from graduate school was something i felt fairly prepared for. i kept my hopes realistic this time around. i can't escape from the low-GPA chapter of my past, it seems. i have had to force any thought of becoming a Speech-Language Pathologist out of my life for now because it's just too painful to remember. there's nothing that i want to do more as a career, and for now the door is very tightly closed. but i fully trust that God has another path for me, and it could just be that becoming an SLP is something i will do later in life. either way, God's got his hand in my future, and that's good enough for me.

now, for what i feel is the most underserving portion of my life; my heart. anyone who knows me, if even for a few days- knows how hurt i have been by previous relationships in my life. i have let people cut very deep into my core, and change who i am for bits of time. most recently, i had let a very good friend use me and my emotions as some sort of safe guard. in any occurrence, i have given a lot of myself to men (boys) who have thrown those bits of me to the ground, and left me alone with all the damage in my hands only. i guess that's not fair to say, but for the purpose of this blog, it makes sense.

and then, one night i had a date. at a restaurant in my hometown. and, it's so silly- but after a few moments i just knew. knew what? well, i have absolutely no idea. that's what is so incredibly fascinating about this whole thing- i haven't figured that part out yet. i guess you could say that i just knew it was different, somehow. he was different. i was different. you get it.

but, what i do know is the peace that surrounds me when he's nearby. i have never felt so inspired to be sincere and honest. i have never felt so okay where i am. and so cared for! exactly where i am. and appreciated. and wanted! and taken care of. and really, just valued. it's a different pace, and i like it. there have been nights sitting by the stove, and dinners that he has made. nights watching sports and drinking beer. late nights when talk becomes gibberish and feelings are disclosed. barriers broken, rushes overtaken, and moments suspended. i have never found such thrill holding someone's hand. i sound like a lovesick adolescent; but honestly, isn't that how we're supposed to feel when this sort of thing happens? when even snow can't keep me away, and staying in bed until 1 PM keeps the world at a standstill. being silly and forgetful is harmonious and i would do anything to relive some of those nights. tranquil motions and unkept looks. the overlooking moon lit the path to my car, and that one morning the weather was actually pleasant. snow just meant a shorter goodbye, but an even quicker return.

you seem to light up everything you have near.

aurora. that's what it is! that's exactly how it has felt, and how it continues to feel. as if life is always at daybreak; a sunrise that is just never ending. calm, and at the brink of something fantastic. calm daybreak.

and there is always that lingering fear of hurt. but it doesn't counter the feeling nor frighten it away in the slightest. who knows what tomorrow or even two days from now will bring! so, as always- i remember how important it is to cling to what i know now, and let God do the rest.

Monday, September 26, 2011


the fact that this is my first post in almost a year is pretty ridiculous. there's been journal scribbles and Word documents saved- all blogs "to be"- but it's been a pretty long time since i've sat down and really wrote something.

the topic or sequence of thoughts that has been on my mind is: a genuine heart.

i used to believe that living by my feelings was an okay thing to do. and while no one likes to grow older, it's inevitable that at some point we discover that that leaves us wanting more in the end.

i have had this on my heart and my mind to write about for a while now. i'm not in the mood to use much creativity or analogies to get across what i'm trying to say. part of it feels like i just need to put it in writing so i can be held accountable by myself. and in case anyone else feels the way that i do, i might as well publish it on my pathetic social networks.

i've been challenged by this thought lately: how Genuine is my heart? my heart for God, for others, and for my life.

so! i've decided to break it down in a few lists. because i like lists. even if i don't always follow through step by step like i should.

Strength: when it comes to faith, how much do i actually believe what i claim that i do? on what level am i questioning things, and what specific things do i need to challenge myself to learn and research? beyond facts and endless questions, how much time have i spent actually asking God the questions i want to know?

i want to become stronger in the things i claim to believe. i don't want to be playing "the part" that can be so easy to stumble into. in no way do i want to strive for perfection- just authentic strength.

Honesty: how honest am i with God (as if He doesn't know everything already), and how honest am i with those that i claim to love? i've learned over the past few years that real love causes us to be brutally and inarguably honest with one another. my relationship with God has caused Him to be more honest with me, and me more honest with Him. but how much of that do i hide out of shame and fear? what kind of place am i putting honesty above all other things such as approval, and security?

i know honesty isn't always beautiful. but i'm beginning to understand how vital it is. being dishonest is a blanket that allows you to hide from real relationships, and authentic living. i believe that being more honest will teach me how to be more authentic.

Certainty: how certain am i of the freedom that i have with God? do i really believe in His freedom and what that means for the rest of my life? because it's been quite a few months since i have actively sought out a relationship with him, have i just become comfortable in a way that i shouldn't have?

i know that not everything can be proven, and therefore i suppose it's a frightening thing to feel certain. but there have been some really incredible time periods and moments in which i have felt very certain. but should i pretend that i feel that way all the time before i do? because i don't feel that way all the time. i'm not saying that i don't believe in the basics of my faith, but how certain am i that a freedom exists that is always preceded with a love i could never totally return? i want to realize the freedom that awaits and exists.

Receive: this one is pretty darn difficult for me. have i really received what has already been given to me?

i know that if i don't accept that, i'll never be able to fully live out the way that i'm meant to. if i don't accept that Love, i won't be able to fully return it and give it out to others. i want to receive every blessing, every horrible thing that happens, and every mediocre thing that i may possibly overlook. receive absolutely everything, and be able to learn from every bit of it so that i can pour out something to someone else.

so, then i've been thinking about two different parts of me; my mind, and my feelings.

i want my mind to be transformed by God in a way that it hasn't been before. i want more logic, more reason, and more compassion. i know that compassion is usually connected with the heart, but i feel as though my mind needs to put my priorities in a certain order so that i can act out in compassion. i can be damn selfish sometimes. i want so badly to rid myself of that, and i want to be compassionate in ways that actually work in our world today. my mind is where i allow decisions to be swayed and time to be wasted.

i want my feelings to become more and less important to me. i want my feelings to be transformed more into intuition rather than immature rationalization. i want to understand more of how God can use the feelings that i have to better the world we live in, and my attitude. unlike the way that i've allowed them to control my perception of myself and others.

in all honesty, there's enough bullshit in the world without my help. i'm sick of half-believing things that i have the capacity to fully embrace.

sure, believing and having beliefs is one thing. but i want to create a more genuine heart within myself for God, others, and my life. and in that order, too. i don't mean this to be a resolution list of all the things i will do and the expectations that i have for myself. i just wrote this list tonight while thinking of ways that i could become more genuine in the world.

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.
-Hebrews; 11:1-2"

and so with that quote, i want to point out that i know i cannot create faith. i know that everyone has their own beliefs, and i refuse to let anything get in the way of how i love them. whether it be differences in faith, distance, or my laziness- i want to be able to fully stretch out my arms to every person as far as they are meant to.

the only finger i'm pointing is at myself, because while i've been able to believe in the basics of my faith- i haven't been able to honestly stand on the firm ground that has presented itself before me without wavering in my authenticity.

again, i have no interest in perfection. even if i did, i'd be out of luck. no matter how clumsy, messy, or unpredictable my life can sometimes be- i want to only be authentic. i want to love honestly, walk with strength, live with certainty, and genuinely receive so that i can act in love as well.

most of all, i want to not just feel compassion but build a genuine heart that can break down barriers of fear, pride, and insecurity. there is a lot of life to be lived, and i so want to spend more of it thinking about others and less about myself. unless i am genuinely honest about everything i believe, everything i question, and everything that falls in between- i'm afraid i will only be half-living the life that i could.

Monday, November 1, 2010

wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts.

as a disclaimer; every love i've ever experienced has been worth every moment that i had to spend losing it. every cheesy romantic experience i've been fortunate to live through, hurts when reflecting upon. but without them i would feel more empty than i already do.

the funny talk we had while raindrops hit our cheeks, watching you smile in the movie theatre chair next to me, smelling peppermint and snowflakes on Christmas Eve with your family, sitting on the cold summer grass seeing shooting stars whip past, the excitement of seeing a new message in my inbox and knowing it was from you, dinner with two close friends, shivering underneath a blanket during a scary spring storm and you telling me that nothing bad would happen there, the warmth that's still on my skin from the southern summer sun as i'd drive into town to see you, watching the fan spin, late night walks around the neighborhood, driving as far as we could to get 30 teenage minutes to ourselves, and of course ending my senior year of high school with my first- young- love.

the subject of my admiration is all of them. "them" being experiences and the people that will forever reside inside of them. they only happened because i let them, and because i was willing.

i have been playing the part of a pessimist lately. and no wonder it's cloth has felt so itchy and irritable to my skin. it's fibers are binding, and i can no longer breathe. it isn't me. and the bitterness has taken over. that spacious hole is there because i let it create itself. you must give something permission to change you. and if you resist, it just digs at you until you're hollowed out.

i know what i want. i've always wanted the same thing. the only thing is that at some point i gave up, and i let the world's lies dig deep into me. i compromised things that i should've held fast to. i settled with my own unrecognizable behavior, and i laid every hope and daydream quietly in my hand and let the wind take them wherever it desired.

and i deserve the entirety. i will not settle for half, i will not settle for uncertainty, i will not settle for one foot in and one foot out. i won't stop believing and i will find someone that can twirl me just the right way.

and i want to give nothing less.

hearts are infinitely fragile. we know this- that's nothing new. but we all desire the most careful of hands to cradle the misunderstood and most hopeful bit of us. we have to be born with most of it, and maybe the rest is learned. but regardless, love is about protection to the best of one's ability- and an assortment of thousands of other lovely things.

cynicism will poison every ounce of your blood if you allow it. life can take you fantastic places if you allow it. if you allow yourself to settle, then you will. if you willingly believe, if you willingly give, and if you willingly hope- then the aspirations that are held deep in the small lump that gives you a steady rhythm, will hold fast to your life. what you desire will have no way of dodging you and your forgiving lips.

i used to love change. for a lot of different reasons, but mostly because it meant that something significant and different was on its way. i saw everything as preparing me for the next breathtaking chunk of something i was going to witness. this is before i fell into hiding, before i convinced myself that love was something tricky, something hurtful, something that will always betray you. but something inside of me tonight reminded me of what made me want to keep the search party out until the wee hours.

it's easy to feel a huge array of emotions without understanding where they originate from. but somehow, we all know our own limits. and once we've hit them, there's no reverse.

there is a type of love that brands you from the inside out. there's a kind of love that keeps you driving long distances late into the night. the kind that bridges gaps within yourself, that makes you want to literally run as far and as fast as you can to feel that feeling just one more time. there's a kind perfection that has more flaws than you'd originally hoped, and inside of it all the world sits perfectly on its axis.

raindrops will stall, plans will be altered for the better good, feet will be set in motion, palms will feel as though they're on fire, running will feel too slow, dust will not settle, static will cease, and desperation will be beautiful.

and just like that, hope is always restored.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

goodnight, dear void.

i feel remarkably 13 again. there’s this backwards motion that seems to be taking place, and i can't find anything to grip. but i suppose that’s how most things happen, when we’re in the other room. or other side of the street. or other side of the bed. or other side of the movie screen.

there was something once familiar, something hopeful, and some sort of genuine light that seems to have vaporized. the truth is, i don’t know if any of this is worth any of the that anymore. i know years ago i would’ve told myself differently, even just a few months ago- but the farthest completion of thought that i can reach out to is either five and a half hours away, or 2,000 miles in the past. the not so very distant past.

and i love thoughts! i love filling out forms, and scheduling things. i love having ideas and writing thoughts down. it feels like each word begins, and are finished before their completion. i know it doesn’t make any sense, but my eyebrows are tired from the frowning and my stomach is sick of the upside down turns it reluctantly takes whenever i see the newest of things that feel like the oldest of terrors.

there are horror films, and masks, and bloody make-up. there’s things that jump out at you, and ghosts in movies. there are loud noises and creepy whispers. there are thriller novels, eerie moonless skies, and of course- things that go bump in the night. things that stare at you from all angles. but fear, is suddenly not so terrifying anymore. and there is so much work begging to be done.

not meaning to go all Taylor Swift on you, my invisible audience or the lack there of, but it all leads up to the word; heartbroken. something i relied on, disappeared. something has restored an amount of vulnerability, and now i feel incredibly exposed. maybe i was looking the other way, or maybe i lost myself inside of something that was never really there to begin with- but something is now different.

i used to see the stars held captive in the blue, and i used to hold hands still that wanted to shake. there’s no allure in the dark taste or the smell i used to crave. i stretched out, and found it had all packed up, and left.

but the unvocalized bits slithered through my fingers, and blamed themselves in ink. folded fibers devoured the words that i never knew i had to say. probably discarded, and most likely piled up with all the rest. but regardless, they’ve left me now- and the hole feels a little less spacious.

i have discovered: i long for that contentment. i desire that sunrise that only i and one other can see. i crave that displacement that brought me right back to where i should’ve been. i hunger for the still trees and their shifting leaves. i want the frosty windows that only i and one other see out of. i thirst for partnership and the idea of continually being on the same page. the same book even! i wish for the weightlessness of falling sideways, and i am pleading for an act of stillness. i know i’ll find it. there would be no such desire if there were not a resolution.

or gosh, just a little time. just a little time before all waters are disrupted. just a little time before every bit of the clarity once achieved is certainly forgotten. just a little moment, or two.

but this use of words is what brings me back to the beginning. grass, trees, stars, sand, waves, moon, gravel, porchlight, fleece, rough fiber, feather necklace, empty beer bottle, and a-sigh-of-relief. enamoured with the world above, and the world beside me. and i can’t find an antonym strong enough. and if i could, i’d use it to jab and sever that painful verb from my existence. the one that led to phrases, stories, and aspirations.

and i can’t be brought back anymore. not when there’s no one, and not one thing to meet me there. the objects, the things embedded in the ground and the sky are lost. i have learned this lesson in years passed, and a mere few weeks ago- and still, i can’t quite compete. magnetic, fascinating, attracting, intriguing and mesmerizing.

i want to tell myself it’s only because it’s a late hour, and that morning always brings a different type of exhalation. but i know better.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

even if there were an option.

we often do things to make ourselves miserable.

we eat until we become sick. we watch movies that will make us feel a certain sickeningly lonely way. we look at pictures of things we cant have, places we can't see, and people we will never know again. we forget sunscreen. we drink til we puke. we spend money we'll never have. we lunge head first into a pair of arms, unfamiliar or familiar, as if we're diving into oncoming traffic.

the jump, the dive, the lunge- is all the happiness and euphoria there is to find in something like that. we are obsessed with the fall. when, and if, we land; we run. or we are run from.

i used to think i wasn't a negative person. and maybe at one time, i wasn't. i think at one time i knew the importance in the jump, and the rest came as it came. i remember when i woke up on that couch, and sat up. you know how when you fall asleep somewhere unfamiliar, and you wake up terrified? i woke up startled, and unnerved. there was a huge, wide window with a world's view to the illuminated blue sky and it's puffy white clouds held tightly captive within their own will. i tried to see everything from the perspective in that one moment, but all i could do was fear. and that's not me at all. i've taught myself to fear, and i've woken up startled.

i guess there's only so much hiding you can do. only so many covers to protect you from what's no longer there, and the space that now exists between how your skin felt there and how it no longer feels at all. i can't stop the relentless picture show that continues to run behind my eyelids. friends help. family helps. movies help. books, coffee, wind and rain, cold mornings, clouds with stars, glasses of wine, new shirts, an orange kitty, running, blocking it out, letting it consume you, letting things drift from organization, the music, writing- it all helps. but what im beginning to realize, is that something through me or just myself facing the mass of it, must cure it.

so without the running, and the hiding, and the false hope- im standing in front of the disaster site with eyes wide open. facing it with a clear head and cold air beside me is the only way to truly see what has unfolded while i've been away. or before i woke up startled. no damage has been done by other people, and i can literally feel that for the first time. the damage is within myself, done by myself, and must be healed by myself. well, myself and the one person or "thing" who has always proven to somehow care in these days ive known.

sometimes it takes something like this. something like this, that can make you see yourself with a pure honesty that is the purification you needed to do on your own. and the term 'on your own' comes with every sting of loneliness you can imagine. but that's okay. the loneliness can teach great things, and can wake up bits of you that have lost their pulse in the fight.

and, i'm terrified. a new city, the newest me to add to the collection, and an insane amount of fear. im absolutely petrified of this new life that's about to begin in less than a month with or without me- and i have only once choice, but to be completely and totally there. in every second.

so these things that we take pleasure in, the things that burn us and overwhelm us- these things that make us miserable- will never fade, and never cease until fully dealt with. until full faced. until fully confronted and fully recognized as full of power but not more powerful than the power that lies within you. within me!

and to let yourself be known by someone else, and to take a chance to truly know someone else- is always a risk.

what's funny about it all, is that this summer has been insanely amazing. at times it has hurt so terribly bad, but so much of my fall has been caught by a new group of friends who seem to mean more than i allow anyone to. my dear, amazing Pelly family have made me so wonderfully happy- and certainly in times of need. i am so fortunate to have had this summer back at home. and while other bits of my life- bits that my heart cherishes more than i could ever write and admit- have fallen apart, i have had something to count on in those friendships.

anyways. in short, lesson learned. you can let yourself fall apart within yourself and you can hide. these things take minimal effort. and while the strength inside my mind, my heart, and even my fingertips is fading and almost non-existent, i am choosing to face what's gone wrong within me, and what can be salvaged from my months, and possibly years, of neglect. and oh my, it still hurts. the silence is almost more than i can begin to understand, and the inability to reach out to anything is almost suffocating.

i'll never go as far to say that i'll never take a chance with that bit in the center of my chest again, but i absolutely must let people love me. i must not stop loving. i must accept words that are kind, and accept those that feel most unkind. i must accept everything! everything with gratitude, and i must let this remainder of this summer overwhelm me as it already has, and i must face the fear that comes with this new city, this new school, these new people, and all things unfamiliar.

and, so it is.