Sunday, April 15, 2012

so maybe i should try this again.

perhaps i should blog again!
it seems that whenever i am in the habit of "blogging" things are much more well-documented and organized. however, life is rarely that simple, eh?

well, let's see. two things have happened in my life that are worthy of noting:
-i did not get into grad school. yet again. ugh.
-i met someone pretty wonderful. he brings a lot of peace and comfort to my life!

other than that, things are as they are. james is growing up so quickly! he is a little loveable almost-three-year-old. he still calls me "auntieeeee" and has the same fascination with trucks as he did when he was practically a newborn. love that kid!

ugh, this blog is starting to sound like a family newsletter or something awful like that. let me see if i can really pry open the corners of the ol' ticker a little bit:

there's been a lot of times this year when i have felt as though the rug was ripped out from under me. and- as to be expected- it takes me by surprise but at the same time i've felt pretty calm throughout each day.

that's something else! life has been pretty peaceful. not like everything has been perfect and without stress, but i suppose i am no longer allowing the stress in my life to create a hold on me. i honestly feel fairly undeserving of what has been given to me lately. i feel like i held my hands together, palms held open- and God gave me these small beautiful gifts that are just growing, growing, and growing to the point where i have no idea how to cultivate or take care of them. i love "them" so much, though. i think God knows that. i am so thankful. i am not always careful, but i am putting forth so much effort, and so much heart. and that's something that is "new" for me- well, new for the colder-hearted-me. as one once put it.

honestly! that's what it is. i don't feel as though i deserve this much greatness.

my mom beat breast cancer. in like two months! she's amazing. so strong, so positive, so inspiring. before her major surgery, it was really a terrifying period. i took deep hugs from anyone and almost cried at the thought of any of it. my life has never been shaken up in that way. i have always seen my life as this ongoing adventure, and the people in it as characters that never perish. but the thought of some sort of awful, horrifying sickness devouring someone i love the most in the world- it did more than shake me up, it made me reconsider the way i look at life and the way that i chose to love people. because it is a choice, isn't it? absolutely.

but! she beat it. which is just another example of God's grace in our lives. even if she hadn't beat it, my faith in God would be none the less powerful. He really does do things on His time, and He knows exactly what's up.

i feel like i'm racing through this. sorry! i wish i could slow down.

being rejected (once again) from graduate school was something i felt fairly prepared for. i kept my hopes realistic this time around. i can't escape from the low-GPA chapter of my past, it seems. i have had to force any thought of becoming a Speech-Language Pathologist out of my life for now because it's just too painful to remember. there's nothing that i want to do more as a career, and for now the door is very tightly closed. but i fully trust that God has another path for me, and it could just be that becoming an SLP is something i will do later in life. either way, God's got his hand in my future, and that's good enough for me.

now, for what i feel is the most underserving portion of my life; my heart. anyone who knows me, if even for a few days- knows how hurt i have been by previous relationships in my life. i have let people cut very deep into my core, and change who i am for bits of time. most recently, i had let a very good friend use me and my emotions as some sort of safe guard. in any occurrence, i have given a lot of myself to men (boys) who have thrown those bits of me to the ground, and left me alone with all the damage in my hands only. i guess that's not fair to say, but for the purpose of this blog, it makes sense.

and then, one night i had a date. at a restaurant in my hometown. and, it's so silly- but after a few moments i just knew. knew what? well, i have absolutely no idea. that's what is so incredibly fascinating about this whole thing- i haven't figured that part out yet. i guess you could say that i just knew it was different, somehow. he was different. i was different. you get it.

but, what i do know is the peace that surrounds me when he's nearby. i have never felt so inspired to be sincere and honest. i have never felt so okay where i am. and so cared for! exactly where i am. and appreciated. and wanted! and taken care of. and really, just valued. it's a different pace, and i like it. there have been nights sitting by the stove, and dinners that he has made. nights watching sports and drinking beer. late nights when talk becomes gibberish and feelings are disclosed. barriers broken, rushes overtaken, and moments suspended. i have never found such thrill holding someone's hand. i sound like a lovesick adolescent; but honestly, isn't that how we're supposed to feel when this sort of thing happens? when even snow can't keep me away, and staying in bed until 1 PM keeps the world at a standstill. being silly and forgetful is harmonious and i would do anything to relive some of those nights. tranquil motions and unkept looks. the overlooking moon lit the path to my car, and that one morning the weather was actually pleasant. snow just meant a shorter goodbye, but an even quicker return.

you seem to light up everything you have near.

aurora. that's what it is! that's exactly how it has felt, and how it continues to feel. as if life is always at daybreak; a sunrise that is just never ending. calm, and at the brink of something fantastic. calm daybreak.

and there is always that lingering fear of hurt. but it doesn't counter the feeling nor frighten it away in the slightest. who knows what tomorrow or even two days from now will bring! so, as always- i remember how important it is to cling to what i know now, and let God do the rest.