i'm completely and willingly wedged in a very strange place.
i am twenty-three. i am spending the summer in my hometown, (hopefully) saving up money, reading whatever books that i want, spending as much time as possible chasing my nephew around his kitchen and laughing at him while he dances, eating short lunches and dinners with my boyfriend who has a completely opposite (and hectic) schedule as me, riding my bike, serving people popcorn, and watching movies for free after hours. taking naps with my orange kitty and teaching him that the car is not a scary place.
my friends have jobs. my friends are engaged. my friends are married. my friends have children. my friends are still in high school. my friends gossip. my friends are new. my friends are old.
i wake up, and have breakfast with my mom. i spend every night wishing that i was out on some adventure, but it feels as though the adventures have gone cold. the weather has maxed out at 80 degrees so far, and i got a sunburn one friday.
i am making mistake, after mistake. i'm trying to learn some sort of lesson that falls from the pieces that are left. the mud has dried up. the deer have now gone. i don't pick the grass to smell as i drive past. that floor no longer needs me, and the fan above regretfully spins the same. i'm beginning to hate the light that reflects from porch lights, and i have not yet visited that pavement.
but, there is a fine peace in the blue of those eyes. an infuriating happiness in the belly laughs that come from almost nothing out of the ordinary. the thrilling beginning of the way things could possibly end.
there are nights, and summer doesn't feel like it should. well, at least it doesn't feel like it used to. and lately, i can't help but want everything to feel the way that it once did. i can't seem to appreciate the moment- there doesn't seem to be a moment to appreciate.there has been a ridiculously pretty sunset, and a sunrise that i seriously needed. i could sit there, and watch the small town lights blink and gleam all by my lonesome or with someone i trust. late night words scrambled with emotion seem to alleviate the pressure, and ignite something that will
never be understood.
there is ice cream, and orange cream soda. windows rolled down and the lake tapping our feet. frozen yogurt covered in gummy bears and marshmellows, lunches on picnic tables, and fruity energy drinks. giant sunglasses, sundresses, and purple nail polish. there is beer, there is wine, and there is whisky. there are short lived fevers, and blinks that affect the heartbeat. stares that burn past clarity and somehow, there is a clock that is documenting, ticking, and capturing all the things our silly little minds tend to leave behind.
now that i think about it, and now that i'm writing it out- maybe these days are resembling some kind of summer. not a summer i've known before, or a summer i expected. but, a summer. my mistake is always predicting the summer months, and being let down in the easiest of ways. and honestly, what else could i want, besides a summer that is unlike any i've known previously.
and certainly, forever young.
